It’s Complicated

Am I married?

That’s a question I constantly ask myself.

Am I really still married?

When I go to sleep, I feel like I am.

When I wake up, I feel like I am.

The love in my heart is still so strong. I still feel that deep, intimate love my husband and I shared. It’s there… and it always will be.

At times, that feeling is what keeps me going.

But then… reality sets in.

My husband is no longer here.

He died almost two years ago.

In three weeks, it’ll be two years.

And I miss his presence every single day.

Sometimes I sit and reflect, and I find myself in this state of confusion… questioning again, am I still married?

The unfairness of it all is how quickly you’re reminded that your status has changed.

Filing taxes… they’ll let you know real quick.

It’s one of those moments that hits you hard. When you’re filing, you have to choose—how do you identify?

Are you married?

Single?

Head of household?

We always filed married filing jointly.

And I miss that.

That was something I actually looked forward to.

It may sound strange… looking forward to filing taxes, hoping you don’t owe anything, maybe even getting a refund. But for me, it was more than that.

It was the acknowledgment of being married.

The acknowledgment that I chose him… and he chose me.

I was his, and he was mine.

What a beautiful feeling that was.

And in my heart… it still is.

But… it’s complicated.

Life is complicated.

Because I’m in this place where my mind wrestles with a reality I still refuse to fully accept.

Am I making it harder on myself to move forward?

That’s not my intention.

But this is one of those times where I truly question God.

Why even get married?

I know that sounds confusing, but I don’t understand how you can build a life with someone… become one, just like the Bible says—one man, one woman, one flesh… build a family, grow together, find your rhythm, depend on each other… and everything feels so solid.

For me, that was the highlight of my life.

It was a dream fulfilled… finding someone you love, building a life together, creating routines, growing into something strong and steady.

And then life deals a card you never saw coming.

A card that changes everything.

Turns your world upside down.

Leaves you in a place so vulnerable you never imagined you could be.

You feel stripped.

Cheated.

Left.

To watch the person you love fade right in front of you…

the light in their eyes slowly drifting away…

their body growing cold…

That moment… that agony…

it pierces your heart in a way that feels like you’re being gutted from the inside out.

How is that even a thing?

How does God allow that?

Why is that part of life?

Why are the ones who loved so deeply the ones left carrying a loss that shifts their entire meaning of life?

It’s beyond comprehension for most people.

And yet… life goes on.

And we’re left with the remnants of a life we cherished… trying to figure out how to move forward into what people call a “new chapter.”

It feels more like slowly weaning yourself off the life you knew… while trying to figure out who you even are now.

Learning to rebuild.

An unwanted rebuild.

A life you didn’t ask for.

Didn’t hope for.

Didn’t dream of.

It feels like something that was just handed to you…

no choice, no options.

Just… this.

It’s complicated.